Dare to Be the Love that You Are

transcending the fear barrier from inside out

     Summertime has always been my favorite season. I just celebrated my seventy-third birthday mid-August. A time I reflect upon my past year and intend for the next.

Many would say, especially others in their seventh decade or older, it’s not wise, you should know better by now to not wear your heart on your sleeve, or to long for a romantic ideal of having just the ‘right love’ with another, or how foolish to look for love in all the most unlikely places.

     My excuse for many years had been that I am the eternal romantic, and eneagram 4, a melancholy idealist. I thought I got it at forty-four, as a single mother of an eight-year-old boy when I attended a tantric singles group in my neighborhood in Scottsdale, Arizona. As I walked up to the front door of Bodhi’s home, above the porch was a placard stating, “You are the Beloved You Seek”.

I felt infuriated by the profound message of the inner work necessary for a loving relationship lies within my own heart first. That I needed to fall in love with myself, to cherish and devote myself to my own inner being.

     I have lived solo for over four decades, doing my best to become the beloved I seek. I felt on many levels, I had succeeded. However, during the Covid challenging years, nearly five now, I sobered to the realization I know I am light filled love and maybe because of this inner knowing, I can give myself permission to long for a deep abiding union with another, the longing to merge with another in love even if this dream rarely has been delivered. I feel in my being it’s possible. I allowed myself during these crazy making stress filled years, to indulge in romance with my own presence and essence and viewed romantic comedies that lifted my heart amid all the enforced isolation and extreme segregation. Putting myself in my own ‘dream movie’, I am daring to be the love that I am.

     Woke this morning early pulsing with love, vibration a frequency through my whole body, every cell full of pulsing pure love and a deep abiding connection to all of creation, feeling that whatever comes that may, is simply a deeper level of purifying my field of love. This experience is giving me the courage to write about recent trip to British Columbia, Canada. I risked being rejected by a man who just turned seventy-six in June. We met online in a four-month www.GeneKeys.com course on Prosperity during a breakout small group concerning culture. Most spiritual endeavors I’ve participated in are mostly full of women. However, this time I had two men in my breakout group. I knew one of them who lives in NYC and we’d been in another group or two together and I felt I could be more open and myself because of his presence.

      Found out he lived in Canada, close to Harrison Hot Springs where I’d planned to go in July. We spoke on the phone several times and scheduled a hologenetic profile reading to discern our already compatible astrological profiles. Peter Tongue (descendingdove@gmail.com) confirmed we had a lot of potential levels of partnerships possible including a romantic loving to sacred union, co-facilitating groups together, empowering each other to transmute our shadows and build and expand our gifts through our relationship. I assumed we were on the same page in what we were looking for, even though he’d embarked upon studying the Gene Keys this year, and I’d received an energetic transmission and have continued to drive me deeper into the keys since I turned sixty.

When I met my new German friend, I looked past his rigidity around when to meet, limiting parameters he came up with about not committing to anything together after our second meeting upon my return from Harrison hot springs. I stayed true to my authentic inner knowing of being safe grounded in my source connection inside to risk opening my heart to a potential love relationship, friendship or some kind of partnership. Felt clear I wasn’t coming from a feeling of lack in my life, honoring a deep abiding longing to merge with another whose authenticity and integrity could enhance and expand how I show up in the world and give my gifts.

     I feel to celebrate with you my courage to find out what’s possible with this person while sensing that I would be willing to love myself even more fiercely, to protect the inner purity I feel in my heart’s deepest longing as I continue to fill energetically with pure love when I surrender to the sound of my beating heart, soften any tense muscles or holding patterns I’ve erected to avoid more pain in my life. There were faint worries about overextending myself, having clearer boundaries, importance of not just jumping in with both feet into who knows what.

What abides in me is the inner inspiration to find out where I am in my own journey of becoming the beloved I seek. And, most importantly to abandon my old strategies of prejudging, looking for the clue that this person couldn’t measure up or show up for me in the way I perceived he could or should. You know that tendency to throw the baby out with the bath water?  I decided before we met, I would benefit from this venture into what’s possible with another. I would appreciate who I am even more than I would if I’d just stayed home or solo at the hot springs.

I am becoming a gene keys guide officially in a couple of months. I’ve led a meetup GK exploration while living in Maine and when I moved to Washington state. During the CV times, a precious circle of four then three women from California, NM and one in Port Townsend where I live.

As a guide,  I mainly follow as I’ve shared with you, my authentic inner knowing and speak from this deep pool of peace inside myself when someone may seek counsel with me, or simply to serve as a sounding springboard for another to be able to feel your deeper feelings or empower you to contemplate in a group, your own inner knowing, especially about their own hologenetic profile.

I met Richard Rudd in person on Cortes Island, BC July 2015. I was one of 135 people from around the world to attend his initial offering of the Seven Sacred Seals of Grace. What a dynamic empowering exploration we experienced. I will write about it later this year. Richard’s a poet, his eloquence has been developing for a long time. He actually has re written many of the 64 gene keys as he receives an ongoing energy transmission with them. What Richard has to say about intimacy and love has been his journey with a life partner and several children.

     “Our inner work in intimacy is to get to a place where someone else’s behavior no longer triggers our heart to close”. Rudd described this premise many times as, “returning non-love with love”.

And, I’m happy to say that I was able to do this with my Canadian friend. He had a verbal litany of why we shouldn’t be together, how I’d be better suited with a younger man, how I couldn’t realize my passions without a sacred partner, how he wasn’t willing to give up his freedom and way of life he’s established over the past five years. I wasn’t asking him to.

     Basically, in a nutshell, he rejected me before I could reject him, the person who did our combined reading suggested. Disappointing?   I couldn’t seem to go there. Hopeful he would reconsider and communicate with me again, I stayed open in my heart even when I cried profusely when we bid each other adieu at the end of my July visit because I sensed the finality of how easily he appeared to be able to dismiss me, refuse a gift I had for him, a solidness about his freedom hinging on him not being willing to commit to any level of communication or energy exchange from this point on. We had two more zoom calls after that, focusing on the gene key we were still reading together out loud. After that, he decided he wanted to continue our deep dive into 22 and 55 keys, both profoundly deep ones he has in his radiance and attraction field. But then the dreaded email. After several nights of waking with intense feelings concerning he and I, he stated he had no other recourse in his mind, but to cease all meetings between us. When I responded, does that mean our gene keys zooms, he responded he couldn’t say anything more than he already had.

     It’s been a month since we communicated. I could go to the word ‘coward’; however it does sound harsh, perhaps it’s simply more about his choices around what he’s able to open up to within himself, and what not. I continued for a time to recall lots of laughing, smiling and many tears with intense feelings rising then dissipating. No blame, no foul, no harm, resolving hurts, no regrets, shadows transpired and owned. No victim.  I have let go and am beginning to feel more appreciation and love for myself. As Richard’s quote above, this is a lofty goal, to be in a place where someone else’s behavior no longer triggers our heart to close. And, I am slowly and surely realizing I am in the midst of this process, and trust it will be attainable.

     “As we move more into this new century, we will see sacred marriage come into form. For the spring of the new human and new earth, a new spiritual way of relationships. For this to occur, a whirlwind is coming to uproot us, individually and collectively. There may be chaos, trauma continuing to come to the surface. There will be huge crisis and upheavals. There must be. But within it all, these new shoots will engage.” Richard Rudd

I celebrate that I transcended a fear barrier this summer of my seventy-third year. I am free beyond this fear barrier concerning my capacity to love myself, and to open to a higher love in myself and with others drawn to me.

I feel the whirlwind moving through me, deepening my core connection with source energy, with the spark of infinite life, with nature and it’s principles grounding and guiding me.

Together, we will prevail to live the life of our dreams by daring to be the love that we are, embracing, expressing and living new dreams more and more moments of our lives.